also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
