the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
