So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
