Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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