A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
