Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
