It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
