It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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