u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Randomize
