he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
