I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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