Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
