i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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