im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw a hot homeless man
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
