If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
