i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
