You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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