Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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