i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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