Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
