I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
