Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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