You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
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