shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
