my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She's the barista slut.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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