i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
