I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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