can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
