I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
