ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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