Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
