Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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