I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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