if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
