Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
