I faked an abortion last night.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
