he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
