a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
