Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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