How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
