Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
