Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I cut my penus on the lid.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
and you fell through a lawn chair
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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