this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Sorry about my life...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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