I saw his package. It spoke to me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
