I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
