I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
