She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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