I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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