I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
