Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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