I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
