I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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