I think I died a long time ago.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
