Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
