my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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