I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
