i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
