a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
