I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
