my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
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