Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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