Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
